The book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman outlines seven principles for building and maintaining a happy and healthy marriage. These principles are:
- Enhance Your Love Maps:
This involves building a detailed and accurate knowledge of your partner’s world. This includes knowing their likes, dislikes, dreams, concerns, and even mundane details like their favorite TV show or food. Building a strong love map requires a commitment to understanding your partner deeply and staying up-to-date with their changing preferences and experiences. This principle also involves asking open-ended questions, listening actively, and showing genuine interest in your partner’s life.
- Nurture Fondness and Admiration:
This is about focusing on your partner’s positive qualities and expressing appreciation for them regularly. This involves actively seeking out opportunities to praise your partner, celebrate their accomplishments, and express gratitude for the things they do for you. Cultivating fondness and admiration also involves recalling positive memories and experiences from your relationship and creating new ones together.
- Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away:
This is about responding positively and receptively to your partner’s bids for attention, affection, and support. In every interaction, we make bids for our partner’s attention and connection, whether it’s a comment, a touch, or a request for help. Turning towards your partner means responding with warmth, interest, and support instead of ignoring or rejecting their bids. This principle is critical for building emotional intimacy and trust in your relationship.
- Let Your Partner Influence You:
This is about valuing your partner’s opinions, perspectives, and feelings, and working together to make decisions and solve problems. Happy couples are those who prioritize their relationship over their individual egos and are willing to compromise and collaborate to find mutually beneficial solutions. This principle requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to see things from your partner’s point of view.
- Solve Solvable Problems:
It involves identifying and addressing specific issues that can be resolved through compromise, negotiation, and problem-solving skills. Happy couples don’t avoid conflicts, but they approach them in a constructive and respectful way. This involves being clear about your needs and wants, listening actively to your partner’s perspective, and brainstorming creative solutions that meet both of your needs.
- Overcome Gridlock:
This is about identifying and addressing deeper issues and conflicts that may be rooted in fundamental differences in values, beliefs, or personalities. Gridlock occurs when couples get stuck in a conflict that seems unresolvable and leads to feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment. Overcoming gridlock requires a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives, values, and dreams, and a commitment to finding common ground and compromise.
Even during a conflict, it’s important to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and express appreciation and affection for your partner. This can help to de-escalate tension and remind both partners of the love and commitment that brought them together in the first place.
If a conflict becomes too heated or overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break and come back to the conversation later. Gottman recommends agreeing on a specific time to resume the conversation and using the time apart to reflect on your feelings and needs.
- Create Shared Meaning:
This is about developing a shared vision of your life together, including your goals, values, and traditions, and working together to fulfill that vision. This involves exploring and sharing your deepest hopes and aspirations, creating shared rituals and traditions, and building a sense of purpose and meaning in your relationship. Creating shared meaning helps couples stay connected and committed through the ups and downs of life.
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Stay blessed and Keep rocking!
