Best Ideas from “The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child”

Parenting can be intimidating, especially in today’s world of information overflow. As parents, we want the best for our kids and always wonder,

“how much screen time should I allow?”
“Should I let them eat that?”
“What’s an appropriate bedtime?”

Suddenly, parents turn into the bad guys and children often act out or shut down when asked to do something simple like turn off the TV. That’s because children typically respond with reactivity instead of receptivity; This is called by Authors as No Brain response.

Good News! Our brains have this little thing called neuroplasticity, which means it can change and adapt! Kids can be taught to approach life differently and with openness and curiosity by inculcating Yes Brain Mindset. Through this book, you’ll learn how to nurture your children and cultivate a Yes Brain in them from an early age in order to help them lead a happy and meaningful life.

Idea 1: Why Yes Brain?

If the words yes and no are consistently repeated to you, you’ll notice that each has a different psychological impact on your brain. For instance, yes is more positive while no is more negative. A No Brain leaves you reactive and not in control of your actions; therefore, you essentially become a puppet for any emotions that may encroach in your brain for whatever reason. On the other hand, a Yes Brain fosters receptivity, which is when you become open to trying new things and forming new ideas. A Yes Brain makes us active learners and participants in life, thus putting us in a state of mind of peacefulness, and allowing us to learn new things and make new plans.

Children with Yes Brain Mindset are more willing to take chances and explore, they are more curious and imaginative. They become better at relationships and overcoming difficult situations.

Idea 2: How to Develop Yes Brain

Teaching your kids to have a Yes Brain does not mean you always say yes to them. It does mean helping your children understand how their actions make them who they are, and giving them the skills to control who they are becoming and deciding who they want to be. Unfortunately, many things in our society foster more of a No Brain way of thinking rather than a Yes Brain, from school, to media, to other people, a lot in the world would rather appeal to your reactive No Brain side. Therefore, the best way to teach your children is to model the behavior.

The Yes Brain isn’t about pressuring parents to never make mistakes with their children; instead, it implores you to relax, neither you nor your children are expected to be perfect. Our children’s brains are very much affected by the relationships and experiences they have with their parents. Sometimes it is much better to ask them questions than to tell them answers, especially when it comes to their feelings.

Idea 3: Greatest Idea of this book is 3 color zones.

1. The Green Zone, which is a level-headed, calm and introspective zone where the child feels comfortable with their feelings, can easily communicate them and learns from the experience.
2. The Red Zone, where children are essentially “seeing red”, leaves them unable to, and incapable of, communicating their feelings, and because they are experiencing negative emotions, are not in a position to learn from that experience.
3. The Blue Zone, is when the child turns inward and essentially shuts down as a way to subconsciously protect themselves, which, again, leaves them incapable of learning from that experience and connecting with their feelings. The Green Zone = “A Yes Brain.”

Parent’s focus moving forward should be to find ways for their child to escape the red or blue zone and return into the green zone, so s/he can experience situations with “A Yes Brain” frame of mind. For example, young children can try basic mindfulness techniques like taking some deep breaths to get back into the green zone. Instead of becoming a victim of his/her swirling emotions, the child can choose whether to follow where they’re leading him/her.

Idea 4: 4 Fundamentals of Yes Brain

1. Balance: Ability to take control of your emotions and behavior so children are less prone to outbursts and loss of control. When kids are upset they may leave the green zone and enter the revved-up, chaotic red zone, or the shut-down, rigid blue zone. Depending on the specific emotion your child is feeling, they may be able to tolerate a lot or a little bit before they lose control. Everyone is different with what their triggers are and how much they can tolerate in any given circumstance, but by cultivating balance, you can help teach your child’s brain incredible tolerance. It is important for parents to assess their children to find out what triggers them, and how broad and unique their specific emotional zones of control are. 
   • Balance Strategy #1: Right hand on heart, left hand on belly, take a deep breath until one is relaxed, and then discuss how and what they feel. It’s such an oddly simplistic way to return to equilibrium, or what’s known as “The Green Zone.”
   • Balance Strategy #2: Allowing the child to express his or her feelings.
2. Resilience: Ability to be positive and hopeful about your future, even after things don’t go your way and you are faced with disappointment. Sometimes kids need pushin’, and sometimes they need a cushion.
   • Resilience Strategy #1: Shower your kids with the four S’s—help them feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.
   • Resilience Strategy #2: Help your child learn more resilience not by using rewards or punishment, but by using stories and roleplaying to validate your child’s feelings.
3. Insight: Ability to see your internal motivations and what causes your emotions, so you can learn how to make better decisions and gain stronger control over your life. The observer and the observed: be the spectator observing the player on the field. The power is in the pause that lets us choose how we respond to a situation.
   • Insight Strategy #1: Reframe pain—ask kids, “Which struggle do you prefer?”
   • Insight Strategy #2: Avoid the Red Volcano eruption—teach kids to pause before erupting. To do this, you must pause and put yourself in the shoes of the other person when you begin to feel like you’re about to burst. This gives us a broader perspective of the events happening to us, and in turn, gives us more control over our reaction to the situation
4. Empathy: It’s about understanding the perspective of another, as well as caring enough to take action to make things better. People who display empathy are generally happier and less frustrated.
   • Empathy Strategy #1: Fine-tune the “empathy radar”—activate the social engagement system.
   • Empathy Strategy #2: Establish a language of empathy—provide a vocabulary that communicates care.
   • Empathy Strategy #3: Expand the circle of concern—increase kids’ awareness of people outside their most intimate connections

Idea 5:

The book also discussed the difference between external achievements and goals, versus internal achievements and goals. As parents, we all want our children to lead successful lives, but what does success entail, exactly? The authors argue that outward successes are not the most important kind. While it is great to make straight As, win the sports championships and all, if you don’t know how to handle the highs and lows that everyone experiences, it’s going to be very hard to navigate life once you’re out in the real world.

“ If you want a single reason to be patient with your child when he’s melting down or being unreasonable, this is it: his brain isn’t fully formed yet and he is – at least at times – literally incapable of controlling his emotions and body.”

The only issue with this book I found is that it is quite repetitive throughout the entire course of the book and verbose. I found another book by the same Authors “No-Drama Discipline” more practical and useful.