Attachment isn’t a weakness or a failure, it’s part of what makes us human
“Attached” is a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller that explores the science of attachment theory and how it applies to romantic relationships. The book presents several big ideas, including:
- Attachment styles: Attachment theory proposes that people develop different attachment styles based on their early life experiences with parents/caregivers.
There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.- Secure individuals are comfortable with intimacy and feel confident in their relationships and are usually warm and loving.
- Anxious individuals crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance.
- Avoidant individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy and equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
- Compatibility of attachment styles: According to attachment theory, people with different attachment styles are often attracted to each other, but their relationships are more likely to be dysfunctional and unhappy. The authors explain that the most mismatched pair would be an anxious and an avoidant. These individuals would be unable to satisfy each other’s intimacy needs. This type of relationship would be characterized by occasional closeness followed by withdrawal from the avoidant partner. This will then leave the anxious partner feeling betrayed and dissatisfied. That said, these attachment styles can still work together. The relationship problems can be solved through effective communication.
- Specifically, the anxious partner should express emotional needs.
- The avoidant partner should express a need for space.
- The Dependency Myth: There is a myth that coddling your child will lead to them becoming overly-dependent on you as they grow up. So, they develop future attachment issues. The reality is that dependency is actually a paradox.
If you place a child in a room with their mother, they will generally feel safe. This safety is based on a dependency on their parents. This dependency is actually what allows the child to explore independently. This argument is supported by what happens when you remove the mother from the room. When this happens the child will often cry and will avoid exploring the room. The reason for this is that they do not have a secure base to depend on, to then allow them to explore independently.
The importance of dependency translates to adulthood. The author describes how studies show that holding the hand of a partner leads to a much-reduced stress response highlighting that their dependency on their partner allowed them to deal with stressful situations and means we rely on others for our own wellbeing. This dependency leads to couples becoming a single physiological unit, whereby they influence their partner’s blood pressure, heart rate, breathing and hormones.
Unfortunately, just as the importance of the parent-child bond was disregarded in the past, today the significance of adult attachment goes unappreciated. Among adults, the prevailing notion is still that too much dependence in a relationship is a bad thing. - Communication and conflict resolution: Communication is a crucial aspect of healthy relationships. The book provides five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict
- Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
- Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
- Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
- Be willing to engage.
- Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
- Changing attachment styles: The book argues that attachment styles can change over time. Attachment is not destiny – we can change our attachment style with awareness and effort. Here are some ways that attachment styles can be changed:
- Therapy: A therapist can help individuals identify negative patterns of behavior and develop new strategies for building healthier relationships. Through therapy, individuals can also work through unresolved issues from childhood and develop a greater sense of self-worth.
- Self-awareness: Awareness is the first step to change. Becoming more self-aware of one’s attachment style and how it impacts relationships is an important step towards changing it. Individuals can learn to recognize their negative patterns of behavior and work on developing new strategies for relating to others.
- Developing new experiences: Developing new experiences in relationships can help individuals change their attachment style. For example, an anxious person may learn to feel more secure by dating someone who is consistent and reliable, while an avoidant person may learn to feel more comfortable with intimacy by gradually increasing their emotional involvement with a partner
It’s important to note that changing attachment styles is not easy and may take time and effort.
Overall, “Attached” provides a valuable framework for understanding the dynamics of romantic relationships and how attachment styles can impact our behavior and emotions. The book offers practical advice on how to improve communication, manage emotions, and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
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Stay blessed and Happy Reading!
